Unlocking Mattering: Boost Connection and Purpose in Life

During challenging times, our natural response might involve pulling back and isolating ourselves from society. However, extending a hand to assist others can enrich our existence significantly by enhancing our perception of importance and underscoring the profound influence that people exert on one

During challenging times, our natural response might involve pulling back and isolating ourselves from society. However, extending a hand to assist others can enrich our existence significantly by enhancing our perception of importance and underscoring the profound influence that people exert on one another.

Journalist Jennifer Breheny Wallace explores this concept in her latest publication, Mattering: The Secret to a Life of Deep Connection and Purpose. She observes that we are enduring a crisis in social well-being, marked by a severe erosion of the bonds that previously safeguarded us. Wallace elaborates:

We've strayed from our fundamental human requirements for meaningful interactions and contributions. In response, many turn to superficial substitutes for genuine significance—pursuing fleeting recognition instead of true bonds, status instead of direction, and wealth instead of fulfillment. The escalating rates of isolation, exhaustion, and worry are direct outcomes of a culture that has overlooked the art of making individuals feel truly appreciated.

I had the opportunity to discuss with Jennifer the extensive studies on mattering, the key insights from her book, and practical strategies to cultivate a stronger sense of mattering in daily life. Below is a refined version of our dialogue.

Defining Mattering and Its Urgent Relevance Today

Katherine Reynolds Lewis: To begin, could you clarify what mattering entails and explain its critical importance in our current era?

Jennifer Breheny Wallace: Mattering represents a core human necessity shared by everyone: the desire to feel genuinely appreciated for our authentic selves and to possess avenues through which we can contribute meaningfully to our surroundings, including family members, close companions, professional associates, and broader communities. Regrettably, this essential need remains unfulfilled for far too many individuals nowadays.

Younger generations often grapple with a profound lack of direction and significance in their daily routines. Similarly, those who have retired may suddenly find themselves without the sense of being needed that once defined their roles, leaving them feeling unmoored and directionless.

Lacking this feeling of mattering leads individuals to internalize negativity: they might experience heightened anxiety or depression, resort to addictive substances for temporary relief, or express frustration aggressively. This dynamic appears evident in contemporary political debates, instances of impulsive anger on the roads, and online confrontations.

The beauty of mattering lies in its practicality—it's something we can actively foster through deliberate actions integrated into our routines, enabling us to rebuild this vital sense and flourish.

In our modern world, we face an overwhelming barrage of information daily alongside relentless expectations to produce. To cope, many of us slip into automatic mode just to navigate the day.

The Burden of Mattering Excessively and How to Counter It

KRL: Your book addresses individuals who are overburdened by others' reliance on them, experiencing exhaustion rather than fulfillment. Could you elaborate on this?

JBW: This phenomenon primarily affects caregivers, educators, and frontline workers whom society leans on heavily. While such dependence can imbue life with purpose and meaning, it becomes depleting when we consistently place ourselves last, never feeling like a priority. This imbalance often culminates in burnout. Fortunately, there are effective strategies to reclaim self-prioritization.

The initial approach involves cultivating mattering toward oneself by making personal needs a daily priority—not deferred until tasks are cleared or others' demands are satisfied. Though challenging, this has become a consistent habit for me over the past couple of years.

Each morning, as I brush my teeth, I reflect: What single, modest personal requirement must I address today to present my optimal self? For me, this frequently means rising early, ahead of the household, to savor a quiet coffee, ponder thoughts, read, or pursue activities aligned solely with my own rhythm.

No amount of solitary self-care can match the restorative power of profound, supportive relationships. The next vital step in self-mattering—while avoiding overextension—is identifying a small circle of one to three confidants who truly understand you, upon whom you can depend, share vulnerabilities, and who reaffirm your inherent value.

Particularly during turbulent periods, personal doubts, or hardships, these connections act as anchors, replenishing your sense of significance.

A common source of overload stems from reluctance to seek assistance. By not requesting help, we rob ourselves of deserved support and simultaneously deprive friends of the opportunity to contribute, feel essential, and recognize their own value through aiding us. Reframe seeking help not as vulnerability but as empowerment—a generous act that bestows mattering upon others.

Throughout interviews for the book, a recurring theme emerged: people maintained friendships in name only, eroded by pressures from careers and family responsibilities.

Studies from the Mayo Clinic, now validated by further research, outline how to nurture these vital bonds. Extensive time together isn't required—no need for frequent social outings. Instead, identify individuals for mutual openness and vulnerability, committing just one reciprocal hour weekly, which is entirely feasible.

Proactively construct this support web. Personally, about 18 months ago, two acquaintances—not yet deep friends—launched a monthly reading group for high-powered working women, discussing one article per session in home kitchens. Remarkably, this structure fostered unexpected depth, transforming casual ties into profound friendships.

Overcoming Social Hesitation and Building Reliable Connections

KRL: For those eager to initiate such groups within their circles, how can they persist despite no-shows or flakiness from others unaccustomed to intimate gatherings?

JBW: Post-pandemic, homebound habits and last-minute bailouts have become commonplace. My steadfast rule counters this: I only cancel if truly ill. This reliability has positioned me as the dependable ally others trust implicitly.

If invitees consistently decline, expand your outreach—don't let it deter you. Each invitation serves as a vital link bridging your aspirations to your present reality.

It demands a measure of interpersonal bravery, but stepping into that role pays dividends.

Navigating Life Transitions to Sustain Mattering

KRL: What advice do you offer for preserving mattering amid major changes?

JBW: Major shifts profoundly disrupt our mattering because they alter the roles that once affirmed our value and contributions—think empty nests, retirement, or moves.

First, recognize you're far from alone; these upheavals are universal, not personal failings.

Seek out those who've traversed similar paths—role models. Extend coffee invitations, affirming how their experiences resonate and matter. Lacking nearby contacts? Turn to podcasts, memoirs, or features detailing others' journeys through adversity.

Remember, amid trials, you hold power: pursue mentors, embrace or extend invitations, and reaffirm others' significance.

Mattering isn't a static award to display; it's dynamic, ever-evolving.

I make it a point to envision everyone—acquaintances, loved ones, passersby—bearing a silent plea: 'Do I matter?' We fulfill this by offering smiles, genuine warmth, acknowledgment, and links to their positive influences on us or the world.

Fostering Mattering in Professional Environments

'When I wake up in the morning and I’m brushing my teeth, I say to myself, what is one small need that I must fill today for myself so that I can show up as my best self?'

KRL: How can we enhance mattering within workplaces?

JBW: Statistics reveal that 70% of workers feel detached from their jobs. This detachment isn't mere idleness; it's a defense mechanism against the sting of insignificance.

Workplaces can shift paradigms subtly: offer hallway greetings over screen fixation, express gratitude for a teammate's overtime aid. Foster interdependence, provide feedback loops, and highlight contributions' ripple effects.

Too many staff feel unseen, a concern amplified by AI's rise, evoking replacement fears. Yet, affirming employee value requires minimal effort, and even profit-driven firms benefit, as mattering fuels engagement, sparking innovation, output, and revenue.

Reviving Third Spaces for Everyday Belonging

KRL: Discuss the fading of third spaces, their value, and methods to improvise or invent them.

JBW: Home is the primary space, work the secondary; third spaces offer casual belonging where you're recognized without intense intimacy. These have sharply declined.

One woman frequented a fitness class with pre- and post-session mingling, but profit motives banned loitering, rendering it purely commercial—she quit, as it lost its nurturing essence.

Upon retiring, my father cultivated this via weekly burrito lunches at a local spot. Staff bonded so deeply that, after his absence during my grandmother's passing, they welcomed him back with a condolence card—they'd noticed and cared. He truly mattered there.

We can replicate this: befriend baristas, checkout clerks. Craft micro-moments affirming our place in the tapestry of life.

Balancing Impact-Seeking with Intrinsic Worth

KRL: Address the interplay between craving visible contributions and feeling inherently sufficient.

JBW: A poignant Jesuit principle captures it: 'Not better than others, but better for others.' Achievement isn't the enemy—I embrace success and influence, but directed outward to benefit the collective. My research enriches me yet aims to uplift readers too.

Anchoring to this mindset—excelling to serve, not surpass—maintains mattering's healthy compass.

To anyone adrift: restoration is one choice away. Affirm loved ones' value, or extend it to everyday encounters like the attentive barista. This swift act reignites your own sense of mattering profoundly.